Solitude and Failure

To put the punctuation mark on my day, I am now cooking alone. I will later eat alone. Then I will clean up the kitchen alone, study alone, and get ready for bed alone. THRILLING! And actually it doesn't have to be this way. I have an offer to go out to get a beer with a friend later, but it's cold and snowy outside, and I don't really enjoy his company, so I'm trying to decide what's more pathetic--hanging out with someone I don't like out of loneliness and desperation, or not caring enough to even make the effort to be social. I'm going to be honest. This is a low patch. I am lonely. And what's worse, I'm not homesick I'm just frustrated. I love Berlin! I wish it loved me back. I'd like to be out exploring it instead of waiting by the phone like some sad fat-girl from the fifties. Every time my cellphone vibrates I jump about a mile. Unfortunately, usually it's someone asking about German homework instead of a German hipster who wants to wine and dine with me.

Yesterday was awful, unequivocally. I got all the way to school and realized I forgot my wallet, which meant I had no keys to the building, my locker in the building, any money, I.D., U-Bahn pass, health insurance card...basically everything essential to my life. If I was killed on the side of the street there would have been nothing but dental records to I.D. me. If I was killed by the Russian Mafia and they had the foresight to remove my hands and teeth, I never would have been found. Not that either situation is likely, but nonetheless. I didn't finish class until 2:30, meaning I didn't get anything to eat until then because I had no money with which to buy something. I'm sure all of you can assume my disposition when I got home.

Then, to make life better, I had class until 7:45, and I still hadn't had dinner and I needed to go grocery shopping because there was nothing in the house. Not even cereal or bread or milk or deli meat or pasta. NOTHING. So I went shopping and when I was paying I dropped the jar of mustard, which means not only did I spill mustard and glass all over the supermarket, I was too embarrassed to go get a new one was I just left. By the time I got home it was 8:30, I still hadn't eaten. I went to make a pizza, and it somehow feel between the rack midway though cooking so I had to clean out the burnt cheese and pineapple (it was a Hawaiian pizza) and I STILL hadn't eaten. Seriously, it was just like, alright universe, you win.

Today had the promise of being a lot better. Our group was schedule to take a tour of the Reichstag and go up inside the glass dome. This entails beautiful panoramic views of the city and is an amazing photo-op. This morning, I realize my camera is broken. GREAT! The view was pretty amazing, not that any of you will get to see pictures. Although I did convince people to take a few pictures with me in them so I didn't have absolutely NOTHING to showcase my experience. But yeah, this pretty accurately summarizes how my life has been going. Solitude and failure. Ok I'm ready for the fun Berlin please. Let's get back to that!