Long Week

This, as the title would suggest, has been a long week. I am having fun in Berlin, but also, I think the honeymoon period has ended and I'm thinking to myself, "Alright, three and a half more months of this. This is your home." It's daunting. Also, I feel a little out of place here (what with the bohemian flair to the city, where I am most decidedly NOT bohemian), which naturally leads me to the conclusion, If I don't fit in in Dayton, or Worthington, or Berlin, where the hell do I fit? Am I doomed to wander the earth alone like the Incredible Hulk? I think this conclusion might be a little rash, but I'm definitely realizing that I, basically on a whim, decided to leave all my friends, my family, my school, and everything else that is familiar to me, all in order to hang out in a city in which I know no one, barely speak the language, and is an ocean and 6 timezones away from Columbus. Wow.

All this isn't to say I haven't had fun. Tuesday night after class Laurel and Margot and I went to Studio 54 and got beers and met up with Sam's friends who are studying abroad in Freiburg, one of which was Andrew Walchuk and Cooper's roommate (small world right). Kaegan also dropped by and that was fun, he bought us all this bizarre shot that was DELICIOUS. Kahlua, Vodka and a lime coated in coffee grounds on one side and brown sugar on the other. Did I mention this already? Probably. I can't get my shit straight. Wednesday I didn't do anything epic, but last night (Thursday) it is free to go to any museum on Museum Island and they're open until 10, so I went with Steve to the National Gallery and saw Manets' and Monets' and a couple Rodin sculptures, Paul Cezanne... and a bunch of other really impressive work. That was great and I had a lot of fun with Steve, who has got to be one of the most chill people I've ever met, but I kind of had a sour taste in my mouth because I got in an argument with this girl before I left and I feel like everyone agreed with her and disagreed with me. Which is annoying.

So before the museum, I had just finished class and I was at the IES center packing my stuff up and waiting for Steve to come so we could go to the Museum as planned. Some guys started talking about women wanting to control everything and how it makes these guys say, "ok, let's let them". And I responded to this group of guys, that I hate how lazy guys are anymore. I said, "Some don't even understand they should ask girls out or pay on the first date." And the guys retort, "Why should that be expected?" Good manners, good breeding, making the effort after the girl un-doubtedly took 3 hours primping...take your pick, fellas. And out of the blue this girl chimes in, saying how she's an independent women and was raised not to accept when a guy offers to pay. She doesn't want them to think she OWES them. Firstly, no one hit your buzzer. Secondly, WHAT?! If a guy thinks paying for dinner entitles him to sex or whatever else he might think she OWES him, I think that guy is entitled to a swift kick in the groin. And then she goes on and on about how she doesn't dress up for a date because she wants to just have him like her for who she is, this girl is the anti-thesis of everything I believe in, in another conversation she said that she was glad she had small boobs because she thought that big boobs were unattractive. Yeah, only if you don't have them. Big boobs, Big Hair, High Heels, I'm all about it. So we obviously don't see eye to eye, but our disagreement didn't get bitter until she said something about how my mother obviously didn't demonstrate what it was to be a strong woman to me or my opinion would be different. Whoa there. She did not just bring my mother into this. I got heated. I raised my voice. But, the aftermath of the argument was that I felt like a psychopath and I was like, "Damnit Annie, why don't you just keep things to yourself. Why do you care if she knows you think it's ridiculous for the woman to pay on a first date?" And the general consenus of the on-lookers was that I was old fashioned and backward, but I think I'm right, and I wouldn't date any of their dumb asses anyway. It's just like...WHY WHY WHY CAN'T I JUST GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE?!

So I felt kind of like an idiot all evening yesterday. I don't know why I can't just keep my mouth shut and get along with people. I felt alienated from the group even before I went on a rant. Now I feel like everyone is going out together in groups while I sit at home in Pankow (aka Bumblefuck nowhere). I'm not a part of a group yet. And I'm paranoid I'm being left out, and when I get self-conscious about being left out I automatically assume I'm fat and ugly. It didn't help that as we walked around the museum Steve was talking about how beautiful German women were, and Eastern Europeans, like this girl in our group, who is also hot according to Steve... I was not included. Not that I need people to think I'm hot...but it's just kind of being kicked when I'm down.

And in reality, I'm doing well with men in Berlin. I get whistles and stares all the time. And I've already been on dates with 3 different guys, which for being in the country only three weeks, isn't shabby. But it's also possible people think I'm a legal hooker, because I have been wearing my thigh high black boots for warmth. And the hookers often wear boots. That would be my life. Some guy thinks I'm a hooker.

But I guess things are getting better, today I didn't have class and I went shopping in Prenzlauer Berg with Laurel and Eliza and we made plans to hang out tonight. I think I'm just in one of those moods were I catastrophize, plus I'm a little homesick. It just sucks to feel left out, and unfortunately, I devote the majority of my life to feeling that way. When will I feel like I'm included?!